


Bill and Ted's Outrageous Expedition

by TheLunaticCringe



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: 90s, Action, Action/Adventure, Apocalypse, Dogs, Humor, Mystery, Post-Apocalypse, Wholesome, i dont know how to tag this is my first ao3 post lol, some violence, wholesome moments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22410472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLunaticCringe/pseuds/TheLunaticCringe
Summary: Two excellent dudes Bill and Ted wake up completely separated in an apocalyptic wasteland they used to know as home. After meeting up they discover there seems to be nobody else around. It's up to them to find out what caused the world's demise.
Relationships: Ted "Theodore" Logan & Bill S. Preston Esq., Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 14





	1. Dude, it's YOU!

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story i've been working on last year and i've finished recently. I hope you guys enjoy it! <3

A gentle breeze rustles the crinkly leaves that droop and slowly float to the ground from a sad oak tree. A starving vulture shrieks from somewhere far away.  
“Whoa!”  
Ted, the loveable, labrador-like member of the most bodacious Wyld Stallyns, is most unfortunately lost in the middle of nowhere. Ted pushes his hair out of his eyes and sits up. He quickly scans the area in search of one thing: Bill. After a quick look around, Ted realizes Bill isn’t there. Bill’s absence starts to worry him more than him being lost.  
“ Bill, where are you?! “ Ted yells out.  
Ted’s words spread through the sky like a crack of thunder. It’s not likely he’ll find anyone in such a place. A place surrounded by decaying, blonde grass, and unstable, parched soil. He stands up quickly, and starts to act sporadic.  
“Bill, my friend?” Ted calls out, hoping for a response.  
Ted stands there awaiting a response anxiously. The wind blows his hair a bit as he stands statically. And.. nothing. No response from Bill.  
“This is.. This is most heinous, most non triumphant!” Ted says to himself, his head falling in sadness.  
The draining heat reaches out and touches Ted, so he removes his sweater and wraps it around his waist. Ted shrugs, and starts walking, optimistic that he’ll find something soon. After 5 minutes (and Ted dragging his feet from being under the pressure of trekking across a wasteland) he notices a sign. He sprints to it and reads it.  
“San Dimas” the sign displays poorly, since it is aged, and covered in rust.  
Ted grins, his hope being confirmed, and begins running with endurance past the sign.  
One step into good old San Dimas and it feels like home again. Ted takes in a breath of fresh, pure californian air. Unlike all around it, San Dimas is covered with healthy, green grass with little drops of dew dripping off of each trimmed blade. The sun is beaming, and life just seems good again. Ted runs into the street and looks around, his smile stretching from ear to ear. But his grin only lasts for so long, as he realizes that.. Nobody’s there. Ted starts to frown, and tilts his head in confusion. Where is everybody? Where’s all the dudes and babes?  
“ Most unprecedented, “ Ted says to himself in astonishment.  
He starts running around, wearing out his new converse sneakers. He comes to a halt, though, as he sees something in the distance. The hot, wavy air masks the figure, but it’s a rough silhouette of a person.  
“ Bill?!” Ted says, which echoes all the way to the end of the street, near the figure.  
“ Ted?! “  
Ted’s eyes widen, and he breaks for it. He starts running towards the figure. Pains from the unexpected exercise rip through him, but his adrenaline sends him off like a bolt of lightning. As he gets closer, the figure becomes clearer. Green plaid shirt, sweatpants, red cap. It’s gotta be him! Ted is so starstruck that he doesn’t even notice himself crashing into the person.  
“Ah!”  
They both fall onto the pavement. Ted sits up and looks down. He was greeted by a familiar face.  
“Dude, it’s you!” Ted exclaims excitedly.  
“ Dude, it’s YOU, “ Bill also exclaims excitedly.  
The two jump right back up on their feet and exchange a hug. After a few seconds of pure content, they pull away from each other, and laugh.  
“ Wuss! “ they both say to the other.  
“ Bill, do you know what bogus events lead up to this seemingly apocalyptic annihilation? “ Ted asks.  
“ No way, dude. I was out there looking for you. I thought I was dreaming, “ Bill responds, shaking his head.  
“ Dude, what if we’re dead! “ Ted gasps, staring at Bill.  
“ Ah, no way, dude! We’ve died before, this is totally different! “ Bill laughs.  
“ Oh, yeah. “ Ted shrugs.  
They begin to stroll around, searching for survivors.  
“ Ted, do you understand how egregious our situation is? “ Bill turns to Ted, looking at him.  
“ Yeah. There is absolutely nothing that could rival the heinousness of this, “ Ted nods.  
“ What do you think we should do next? “ Bill says, stopping.  
“ Okay, let’s think, “ Ted contemplates, “ what would we do if we were the last two people on Earth? “  
They both stand there thinking, then suddenly.  
“Waterloo…” Bill whispers.  
Ted overhears and twists, grinning at him.  
“ Oh yeah! That sounds most outstanding! “  
They look at each other for a second.  
“ Excellent! “ They both exclaim, then doing an air guitar.  
“ But how are we supposed to get there, dude? “ Ted frowns, scratching his head.  
“ We can just borrow someone's car, “ Bill says nonchalantly.  
“ Okay, Bill. But if we get busted then I’ll tell your step-mom you have a cru-”  
“Shut up, Ted!”  
The two dudes locate an unlocked car with busted windows and hop inside. Keys in the ignition, but not on. It seems like lady luck is on their side.  
“Which one of us is driving?” Ted queries.  
“ You’re an expert motorist, Ted. With over 40 drivers lessons! “ Bill exclaims, gesturing at Ted.  
“ Oh, man. You’re right, Bill! “ Ted beams, “ looks like we’re surely going to waterloo afterall!.”  
They drive all the way to waterloo, glowing with the most wholesome excitement anyone could ever have. After a long anxious drive, they both step out of the car.  
“ Hello waterloo!”  
Bill stops, and Ted shrugs at him.  
“ What is it, Bill? “  
“ Dude, look.”


	2. We're total rulebreakers!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill and Ted arrive at Waterloo to investigate but get sidetracked.

Bill points to the bodacious waterpark. It’s abandoned and grey. The water slides are coated with rust, and about every square inch of the park is covered in faded brown stains.  
“ Ted, it’s that brown stuff that we saw on the way here, “ Bill examines.  
“ Whoa, yeah! But what is it? “ Ted inquires.  
“ I don’t know, dude, “ Bill shrugs.  
Their curiosity is triggered, and they both start investigating the park. The two dudes separate for a bit to try and cover more ground.  
“Hey, Bill?”  
“What is it, Ted?”  
“I think I just found something.”  
“Oh, let me see!”  
Bill strolls over to Ted, and Ted holds up a small, wrinkled piece of paper. There’s two basic drawings on it that resemble gigantic monsters terrorizing and killing everybody. Insect-like monsters taller than a high-rise skyscraper.  
“ Dude it’s totally Godzilla,“ Ted declares.  
Bill stares at it for a minute, then turns to Ted.  
“ What if it’s just from a fan? “ Bill inquiries.  
“ Yeah, hopefully this doesn’t mean a bunch of bugs caused all this, “ Ted shrugs.  
“Yeah.”  
After a good hour of searching for clues, the two give up, exhausted.  
“ I’m tired, man, “ Ted pants, “ what should we do now?”  
“ Okay, if we were two usses in the apocalypse, what would we do?” Bill vocalizes.  
They both down on a bench, and think about it.  
“ Whatever we want?”  
“Ted, you’re totally right! We can totally do whatever we want without rules! “  
They look at eachother and air guitar.  
“ Excellent! “  
Bill and Ted spend a whole day jamming to every metal cd they could find, conquering every level on every video game, stealing snacks from Circle K’s, and violating public property.  
They’re crushing it on Super Mario World, too. 

Bill and Ted lazily play Super Mario World, and Bill mumbles,  
“I’m so bored, we’ve done everything we could possibly do.”  
“ What do you think we should do now? “ Ted asks.  
“ We need to find a way to save the human race, “ Bill figures.  
“ How about we repopulate? “ Ted answers.  
Bill shakes his head,  
“ Ted, you bonehead. That’s not how it works! “  
“ Oh. Well, why not? “ Ted continues.  
“ Dude, we’re getting off track, “ Bill interrupts.  
“ How about we get in the car and look for other people? “ Ted contemplates.  
“ Or the van. Where’s the van anyways? “ Bill questions.  
“ Someone probably took it, dude, “ Ted mopes.  
“ I guess we’ll just use that car again, “ Bill concludes.  
After finishing the level (which Bill most-triumphantly beat Ted at) they get up. They talk, walking outside of the fancy hotel room they’d been sheltering in.  
“Dude, we’ve been wearing the same clothes for like, two days now, “ Bill realizes.  
“ And? “ Ted grins.  
“ It is most heinous, “ Bill squints, “ we should find some new ones. “  
“ Yeah! “ Ted bursts out, “ Let’s totally go to Spencer’s!”  
The two dudes pack their “borrowed” car with tons of the treasures that they’ve acquired, and drive to the San Dimas mall. It’s a lengthy drive, but at least they’re near home. They run through the empty mall until they hit Spencer’s, a wonderful store for all kinds of wacky stuff. They only stop at one section, though. T-shirts!  
“ Okay dude, should we get Iron Maiden or Van Halen? “ Bill asks.  
“ I think we have more Van Halen stuff, so we should go with Iron Maiden.  
They both nab some different coloured shirts with spooky imagery, followed by blood-red letters that read ‘Iron Maiden’. They both immediately start to change, but realize the other is in the room and wince.  
“ Sorry, dude! “ They say in harmony  
As the two carry their shirts out the door, they stop and notice what they had accidentally ignored. Brown splatters and stains in the shapes of big pools scattered on some of the walls and on the floor.  
“This better not be blood, man…” Bill stammers.  
“ I don’t know, but it was at waterloo, too! “ Ted sighs.  
“ Ted, do you think everyone got killed but us? “ Bill shuddered.  
“ While it IS possible, I would prefer to be optimistic, “ Ted shrugs.  
“ You’re right, Ted. I mean, there’s no corpses, “ Bill also shrugs.  
“ Yeah, so it’s not so bad, right? “ Ted consoles in a sweet voice.  
“ Yeah. “ Bill muses, “ we most-certainly should search for other people to make sure we are NOT the only two dudes on Earth. “  
“ Sounds like a plan, man! “ Ted smiles, which makes Bill smile.  
The two air guitar, their thoughts distracted. They grab some stuff they might need in the mall, and hop in the car, setting out to find life, whether it’s babes, dudes, or animals. Bill sits in the driver's seat, and Ted glances at him, puzzled.  
“I thought I was driving, “ Ted said in a curious tone.  
“Well,” Bill starts, grabbing a map from the side of the door, “I am most inferior at reading maps than you are.”  
Ted’s eyes widen and he jerks to the side.  
“I’m just as inadequate as you, dude! “ Ted says in a panicky tone.  
“Just read it, man.” Bill sighs, pushing on the gas.  
“Whoa!” They both cry out as the car shoves itself forwards.


	3. Roadtrip?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill and Ted embark on a road trip, but discover something extraordinary.

“Ted, where can we go to look for people?” Bill inquiries.  
Ted squints, and places a finger on a map, attempting to locate their location. When he finds it, his face lights up and he grins.  
“Okay, how about we go to L.A?” Ted asks.  
“That’s a most-excellent idea, Ted!” Bill exclaims, also grinning, “how far is it though?”  
“25 miles,” Ted responds.  
“Jeez, that’s far,” Bill groans, “it's gonna be a long trip then, Ted.”  
“Bogus.” They say together.  
Ted navigates the map and follows the road he suspects they’re on.  
“We have to take I-10 and go West,” Ted reads out.  
“Oh, we’re already on I-10,” Bill grins, relieved that they have to do some less driving.  
“Stellar!” Ted exclaims, opening a bag of doritos.  
“Whoa, doritos! Savoury!” Bill beams.  
The two reach in the bag and crunch on some delicious doritos.  
“Dude, you’re spilling them in the car!” Bill says, frustrated.  
Ted looks down at his lap and sees a lot of crumbs, and even some whole chips.  
“Whoa! Sorry, Bill! “ Ted apologizes.  
Ted vacuums up all the fallen chips, and little crumbs with his large appetite.  
“ What are we going to do when we get there? “ Ted says, looking puzzled.  
“ Ted. What aren’t we going to do when we get there? “ Bill laughs.  
“ You’re right. We should totally climb on the Hollywood sign! “ Ted exclaims.  
“ Yeah, and we can probably spray paint it too! “ Bill says, deviously.  
They drive for a while, searching for any road signs that would help them navigate their way to Los Angeles. Ted gets bored after a while and pulls a gameboy they’d stolen out of his pocket, and starts playing Pacman.  
“Man, Pacman’s got to be totally starved to eat all those tic tacs, “ Ted mutters, focused on the game.  
“ Doesn’t Pacman eat Mentos?” Bill says confidently, glancing at Ted for a moment.  
Ted doesn’t peel his eyes away from the screen to glance back at Bill, but he replies with,  
“No way, it’s tic tacs!” Ted exclaims, frustrated.  
“ Ted, his blood probably contains diet coke, therefore when he gets the super mentos, he becomes one ultra dude, “ Bill explains nonchalantly.  
“ Then why wouldn’t the regular mentos power him up?” Ted says defensively.  
“ I don’t know, dude, it’s just a game,” Bill sighs.  
“Whoa!”  
Bill slams his foot on the brakes, and Ted’s gameboy flies out of his hands, almost smashing itself against the windshield.  
“Dude!” Ted yells.  
“Look,” Bill says slowly, pointing.  
Ted glances out the windshield to see what Bill’s referring to, and his eyes lay upon an outstanding discovery. A german shepherd laying in the middle of the street, terrified it would be struck by the car.  
“Ted, this is the first living creature we’ve seen since everyone disappeared, “ Bill continues, “ this could be a most-atypical sign that there are people around here.”  
“Yeah, “ Ted grins, “ we should take ‘em with us!”  
“Ted, you bonehead, that dog could rip our limbs off, “ Bill declares, shaking his head.  
“Drag. Wait, I've got an idea.”  
Ted unbuckles his seatbelt, and scoops up the bag of doritos on his lap, hopping out of the car.  
“ Dude! “ Bill yells, totally astonished by Ted’s actions.  
Ted sneaks over towards the dog, and pulls a dorito out of the bag.  
“Here, buddy. Would you like to embark on a truly outrageous expedition with us?” Ted cooes.  
The german shepherd, while hesitant at first, slowly stands up, and follows the scent of the delicious chip. Ted takes a good, long look at the dog while leading it along. It’s definitely malnourished, and looks like it hasn’t eaten in days. Ted droops with pity, but still manages to keep its attention. He opens the backdoor to the car, and throws the dorito in, which the skinny dog just barely jumps in. Ted closes the door shut, and hops back in the passenger seat.  
“ If this thing eats us alive, you’re buying me lunch, “ Bill says, rolling his eyes.  
“ Sounds like a plan, “ Ted smiles.  
The dog crunches on the dorito, and lays down comfortably.  
“What’s its name?” Bill asks.  
“ I don’t know. How about we name it?” Ted suggests confidently.  
“Okay, but what?”  
“How about.. Rufus?”  
Bill and Ted look at each other for a second and go wide eyed.  
“Rufus?!”  
“Dude, we totally forgot about him,” Bill realizes, taking his hat off.  
“Yeah. I don’t see why he hasn’t come for us with the booth, “ Ted ponders.  
“Ted, we should’ve looked for the booth back in San Dimas,” Bill sighs.  
“Well, we ARE 15 minutes away from L.A, so we should have a most-excellent time there first!” Ted appealed.  
The dog barks, and sticks its tongue out.  
“Yeah, and remind me to pick up dog food when we get there,” Bill says, turning on the car.  
“Okay, dude!” Ted affirms.  
After 10 minutes of driving, the dog starts to whine.  
“I think the dog’s gotta go, man,” Ted says.  
“Guess we’re stopping,” Bill mumbles.  
Bill and Ted stop the car, and hop out, letting the dog out with them. Rather than breaking free of their hospitality and taking off, the dog sniffs around in the grass and does its business, and stays close to them. Bill notices a collar on the dog, and reads it. The shiny metal dog tag reads ‘Bailey’.  
“Hey, Ted. The dog’s a girl.”  
“What?”  
“Her name’s Bailey, it says on her collar, dude.”  
“Oh, okay. I was kinda hoping we could name it Van Halen.”  
Bill sighs, “ Me too, dude.”  
Bailey’s ears perk up, and she jolts her whole body towards the bush. There’s a barely audible rustling sound within the bush. She starts to bark viciously at the sound, and it catches the attention of both Bill, and Ted.  
“Whoa, what is it?” Bill says, glancing towards Bailey’s direction.  
The rustling stops abruptly, and so does Bailey, but a loud clicking sound fills the air.  
“Dude, it’s totally the predator! “ Ted whispers in shock, leaning towards Bill.  
“Where’s Arnold when you need him?” Bill whispers back, confused.  
Bailey takes off and leaps into the deep vegetation, disappearing.  
Bill and Ted shrug and follow Bailey cautiously.  
They creep into the bush and attempt to make their way through the sharp branches, and abundance of leaves, with a major claustrophobic vibe. After enough blind adventuring, they discover a clearing in the bush, a flat area covered in long blades of decaying grass. There’s a few wilted flowers poking up through the golden grass. They spot Bailey, staring upwards in fear.  
“What is it, Bailey, dude?” Ted cooes, crouching down next to the dog.  
“Ted.”  
“Yeah, Bill?”  
“I’d highly recommend you look straight up.”  
“Straight-up what?”  
“You bonehead, look!”  
Ted slowly looks up and his jaw drops. An ant, around 10ft tall, staring directly at Bill and Ted. It screeches loudly, casting a huge gust, and making them stumble.  
“Let’s blow this popsicle stand!” Ted yells.  
The two scream, as the ant starts charging towards them, with intentions to devour them alive. Bailey builds up enough momentum while running to spring herself and hop right into the open window of the car. Bill and Ted follow right behind her, and lock themselves in the car. The ant emerges from the bush, onto the road, and screeches a bloody warcry.  
“Dude, let’s go before he makes mincemeat out of us!”  
“Put your pedal to the metal, Bill!”  
Bill steps on the gas to make a speedy getaway, but the car doesn’t move anywhere. It sits statically on the road.  
“Uhh.. dude?” Ted trembles.  
Bill turns around and looks out Ted’s window. The ant has rammed its mandibles into the side of the car, and plans on either shaking them out of the car, or swallowing them whole! Bailey whines in distress. The creature slowly hoists the car into the sky, slightly shaking it around.  
“Ted, if I die-”  
“I can have your Megadeth collection?“  
“I was going to say that I want you to take care of Bailey!“  
“Okay, I already have your Megadeth collection anyways!”  
The ant’s mandibles begin to crush the car, and the inside of the walls begin to close in steadily. Bailey jumps up, and leaps out the window, running on the giant claw-like teeth crushing the vehicle. Before the two can cry to Bailey to come back, they think about it for a moment.  
“Ted, we either die here together, or escape, it’s your call,“ Bill says rhetorically.  
Ted stops and thinks about it, pondering the answer.  
“Obviously yes, man!“ Bill yells in anguish, grabbing Ted’s hand.“  
The two crawl out of the car, onto the gigantic insect’s mandibles. Ted looks down at his hand, which is being held by Bill, and immediately rips it out of his hand.  
“Dude. No hand holding, “ Ted says shyly.  
They run across the ant’s mandibles quickly before it can react, and climb down its jagged exoskeleton, meeting an alerted Bailey at the bottom. The dangered group take off down the road, still on route to Los Angeles.


	4. Mothra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill and Ted tread to L.A, hungry and tired, and encounter a giant flying menace!

An hour drags by slowly like a snail in the sweltering heat. Bill and Ted stagger along, with still some distance to go. Bailey hobbles as well, tongue out, coated with saliva dripping to the ground, and tail drooping depressingly. But slowly, over the horizon, a large blue sign with a lovely cityscape plastered on it appears in their point of views, that reads ‘Welcome to Los Angeles: the city of arts and entertainment.” and the two perk up like a puppy being offered a treat.  
“Bill, look!” Ted cheers, pointing.  
“Ted, we’re so close, I can almost taste it, and it’s savory,” Bill sighs happily, also fantasizing about food since they’re literally starving.  
“Ted, if you’re really my friend, you’ll do this for me,” Bill pants, crouching over in exhaustion.  
“What is it, dude?” Ted asks.  
“Can you give me a ride?” Bill hesitates.  
“Dude, just because we did this during an Obstacle Course in the eighth grade, doesn’t mean we’re doing it agai-”  
Bill leaps onto Ted and climbs onto his shoulders.  
“Ah! Dude, you’re way too heavy!” Ted cries out.  
“And away we go!” Bill laughs.  
Ted mumbles something and attempts to carry Bill, despite the deadly exhaustion. After some banter between them, the tips of the city-scapes peek just slightly into their point of view.  
“I’d say we have a good fifteen minutes until we arrive, “ Bill estimates, looking down at Ted.  
“Good, I am depressed and hungry, “ Ted sighs.  
“Cheer up, Ted, we are close to our destination!” Bill exults.  
Bill reaches into his pocket and his eyes widen. He pulls out a little box of rainbow nerds, brandishing wonderful multi-coloured packaging.  
“Hey, I found some nerds! “ Bill efuses, leaning just right so Ted can see him, “I’ll get half, then you can have the rest.”  
“Yeah, that sounds fair, “ Ted shrugs.  
The two stay silent for a minute, other than Bill crunching on the rainbow nerds.  
“Do you remember what we were doing before all of this happened? “ Bill inquiries.  
Ted’s mind starts to wander, and suddenly blacks out, random voices fading in and out of existence.  
Dude, I think there’s something wrong with the booth!  
Are you sure we’re in the circuits of time?  
I finished the nerds, do you want the rest?  
Teeeed?  
TED!  
Ted snaps back to reality with a jolt.  
“Did you fall asleep?” Bill queries.  
“No, but I think I remember what happened, “ Ted interjects.  
“ We were in the booth, and something went totally wrong, we weren’t in the circuits of time or something.”  
Bill’s expression goes totally neutral, and he thinks about it for a second.  
“Yeah, the only thing I remember was watching The Lost Boys, and it was totally heinous,” Bill responds, confused.  
“Why would we wake up so far from each other, though? “ Ted thinks.  
“Maybe one of us fell out of the booth, “ Bill suggests.  
“Bill, I’ve got it!” Ted exclaims, in realization.  
Bill falls, and hits the rough pavement under them.  
“Ow!” Bill cries out, slowly getting up.  
“Okay, what if the booth exploded, and we got totally flung in two completely atypical places?” Ted suggests, pacing back and forth in contemplation.  
“Well if that’s true, then we can’t travel back in time and figure out what started this in the first place, “ Bill groans, crossing his arms.  
Ted thinks about it for a minute, continuing to pace quicker and quicker.  
“Do you remember when the evil robot usses came from the future?” Ted questions, gesturing.  
“Yeah, do you think they have something to do with this? “ Bill replies.  
“Well, in order for them to come from the future they must’ve-”  
“Had a phone booth!”  
Ted looks at Bill and grins, they’re totally on the same page.  
“Yeah! So wherever that booth is, we can use it to travel back to regular San Dimas and figure out what happened!” Ted cheers.  
“Excellent!”  
They both air guitar and keep walking. Bailey stares at them with dire confusion.  
Too much time passes and they’re finally in the stunning Los Angeles. The city beams with opportunity and passion, but visually looks run down, like it’s been left for decades.  
“Ted, we should totally go to Universal Studios, “ Bill says excitedly.  
“Yeah, and we can go on as many rides as we want!” Ted says joyfully, his heart fluttering with pure excitement.  
A sudden quake in the pavement below startles the both of them. Bailey’s ears perk up, and she begins to bark aggressively at something in the distance. Bill and Ted spin around, and freeze in total shock and terror. With a flutter of it’s magnificent wings, a colossal butterfly with soft amber wings lands 30 ft away from them.  
“Ted, it’s Mothra.” Bill says in shock.  
“Well then that means Godzilla will come to save us, right?” Ted also says, in shock.  
With a powerful thrust, the large insect hoists into the air, with eyes set on them, and unsettling hunger. The creature glides like a bird in a cool spring breeze. Bailey takes off running, and Bill and Ted follow.  
“Stop following us you ugly, orange source of all evil!” Bill shouts.  
“Yeah, go drink from a flower or something!” Ted also shouts.  
The magnificent butterfly screeches loudly at them, with it’s incredible warcry.  
“Bill, what are we gonna do, this thing is most certainly dyspeptic!” Ted says, trying to be heard over the screaming and fluttering of huge wings.  
They cover a lot of ground before finding a stunning skyscraper to take shelter in. The group runs into the elevator, and Bill repeatedly presses the button for a random floor.  
“We’re going to stay inside so that thing cannot find us,” Bill explains.  
They stand there for a moment, listening to the calming, generic elevator tune.  
“ You know, this isn’t what I expected this expedition to be like at all,” Ted shrugs.  
“Yeah, it’s totally outrageous,” Bill also shrugs.  
Bailey lays down, stretched across the cold tile floor.  
“We’re totally going to get out of this and be fine!” Bill exclaims.  
“Totally” Ted also exclaims.  
They turn to each other, grinning.  
“Excellent!”  
Before air guitaring as usual, the elevator shakes violently.  
“What was that?” Ted asks.  
“ I don’t know, I hope it wasn’t that butterfly thing,” Bill thinks.  
They arrive at their destination, which is just a spotless room filled with cubicles and crappy computers, and the floor rattles under their feet.  
With a gigantic thud, the butterfly clings onto the glass. Bill and Ted scream, and hide in one of the cubicles. Bailey barks relentlessly at the creature. The glass wobbles irregularly for a moment, then stands completely still.  
“I think we’re gonna be okay-”  
Bill is interrupted by the ear piercing sound of shattering glass. As the glass breaks into tiny pieces, the butterfly swoops in. Barely squeezing into the room, it sniffs around for its prey. Bailey walks up to the creature and barks at it. The butterfly turns its head, and screeches.  
What starts is a seemingly long conversation between the two animals.  
“Why didn’t Rufus give us some sort of universal translator to hear these guys?” Bill sighs.  
The butterfly shakes its head, and shoots its huge proboscis into their cubicle.  
“I got an idea,” Bill explains, “we should put some of this office stuff in his mouth, so he’ll be full and fly away.”  
“Excellent idea, Bill,” Ted responds proudly.  
The both of them start piling stacks of paper and shooting them up its proboscis. As the heavy stacks descend into the digestive system of the butterfly, it begins to stumble, and falls off the building, without moving a single wing.  
“Not bad,” they both say in sync.  
With a gigantic gust, the butterfly swoops back up into their POV, and roars violently. Bill and Ted peek over the cubicle in shock.  
“I don’t believe this guy!” Ted says in anguish.  
“Yeah what are we gonna-”  
The butterfly scoops up Ted with its legs, and prepares to fly away.  
“No way dude, not like this!” Bill yells.  
Bill jumps onto the creature’s vast wings (along with Bailey) as it takes off. Noticing this, it screeches and tries to get Bill off, violently flailing its own body around.  
“This is your captain speaking. We’re about to make an emergency landing, so hang on!” Bill yells to Ted.  
Bill, and with the help of their very loyal dog, managed to rip a part of the insect’s wing off so that it can’t fly properly, causing it to suddenly plummet. A lot of screaming endures until the butterfly smashes into the ground, its face exploding from the crash.  
Luckily, Ted isn’t hurt, but he’s covered in a mysterious substance what he assumes is-  
“Ah, dude! I’m covered in bug blood!” Ted screams, falling over.  
Insect “blood”.  
“Yeah, me and Bailey are too,” Bill groans, trying to wipe off the yellowish liquid.  
They free themselves from the butterfly, and stand there confused.  
“So.. do you wanna go to Universal still?” Ted asks slowly.  
“Sure, let’s go,” Bill smiles, putting his hand on Ted’s shoulder.  
They walk away from the gruesome scene into the horizon, like an ending to an elaborate film. Fortunately, Universal Studios was a few blocks away from where they had initially crashed, so they entered without any admission fee. They notice the true condition of the park, though. It’s barren, and dusty. It seems like nobody’s even set foot there in ages.  
“Wow, this sure is some spectacle,” Bill scoffs.  
“This sucks,” Ted groans, crossing his arms.  
Bailey excitedly sniffs around the park and bounds across the streets that at some point would’ve been at full capacity and inaccessible.  
“What if another weird insect tries to kill us?” Ted ponders.  
“We should be prepared-” Bill pauses for a moment, “or go to the infinite amount of attractions and have a stellar time.”  
“Okay, we’re totally doing that,” Ted agrees.  
They walk into a shady E.T attraction, which seems to actually be a cart ride. The cart itself seems to be missing. They groan in disappointment and leave, looking for something else to do. That is until they see the gift shop, and stroll on in. The shop is surprisingly large, with ivy green vines slowly creeping across the ceiling, and up the dusty walls malnourished of paint. There’s an abundance of shelves with popular media properties and merchandise of all sorts. No band shirts, though. There’s even a variety of candies sure to make a stomach ill from too much consumption.


	5. "Stay Puft."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fabric of time and space begins to rip, what will the two excellent dudes do?

“Aw, dude,” Ted says softly, walking over to one of the shelves, picking up a small plush toy, “ it’s totally the Stay Puft Marshmallow guy!”  
Bailey dashes into the store and makes an impressive leap, snatching the toy out of Ted’s hand, and continuing to run off, making Ted frown.  
“I suppose the good thing is that we finally have food again, but no rides,” Bill says.  
“And some brand new clothing that is not stained with the innards of a gigantic insect,” Ted says humorously.  
“You’re most correct about that,” Bill laughs.  
The two find some terminator shirts, and turn around so they aren’t facing each other, so can put their shirts on without it being weird. Bill and Ted toss their sweaters that had been hugging their waists for the whole adventure off to the side, accidentally onto Bailey who they didn’t realize was there.  
“This is so much better,” Bill sighs in relief, the heat no longer being a problem.  
“Yeah, plus we look totally bodacious,” Ted avows, smirking.  
They high five, and continue to search for more stuff. Bill searches behind the cashier’s desk for something of value, and finds some toy lightsabers. He picks one of them up and switches it on, mimicking the sound effects.  
“The Force is with you, young Skywalker. But you are not a Jedi yet.” Bill says to Ted, doing tricks with the lightsaber.  
Ted laughs and hops over the counter, swooping up a lightsaber and turning it on.  
“I’m about to prove you wrong, Yoda-Dude,” Ted grins, taking a swing at Bill.  
The two have a full on cinematic lightsaber fight, making their own sound effects and music. They even go as far as using objects around the room as ulterior weapons. Ted counters a jab by Bill, and turns the attack around on him, grabbing Bill’s lightsaber and placing the blade against his neck.  
“Any last words?” Ted says goofily.  
Bill examines the situation he’s in and forms a plan in his head.   
“Yeah. Your day of reckoning has arrived!” Bill says smugly.  
Bill kicks Ted and retrieves his own lightsaber gracefully, and pretends to slice Ted’s neck.  
“You’re dead, dude,” Bill smirks.  
Ted falls dramatically, and Bill stands, with his arms crossed.  
“Nice job, Bill!” Ted says proudly.  
“You too, Ted.” Bill nods.  
The subtle sound of skittering echoes through the park. Bill and Ted pursuit, nervous of what’s to come. At first glance it’s completely obvious that there is zero source to the sound, almost as if they were in the presence of a ghost. They sneak around, attempting to tell each other where to go through confusing gestures and charades. Surprisingly, Bailey is providing no help, unlike usual, due to unprecedented exhaustion.  
“Ted, follow me,” Bill whispers, gesturing to Ted.  
Ted nods and proceeds to follow him. They sneak around the wall of an outdoor bathroom, and pass by the door. That is until they hear a strange static, whitenoiseish ambience. They peek into the door of the washroom cautiously.  
“Now hold on, dude” Ted whispers, turning his head to face Bill, “it would be totally disrespectful to go into the girl’s washroom.”  
“You’re right, Ted,” Bill nods, “totally disrespectful!”  
They sneak inside of the boy’s washroom and the static gets louder.  
“Well, now wha-”  
Ted is interrupted by a loud glitching sound, and parts of two vague silhouettes appearing right in front of them. Static, corrupt artifacts of the models begin to form, and it looks oddly similar to Bill and Ted, with inaudible mutated dialogue they couldn’t possibly make out. They begin to reach their hands out at them, slowly, and stiffly. Bill and Ted scream and run away as quickly as possible, screaming all the way back to the gift shop, and startling Bailey.  
“Dude, that was.. That was.. I don’t even know,” Bill sighs, panting from the run.  
“It was, like, most unusual, a-atypical, it was just s-scary!” Ted sighs also, out of breath.  
Bill turns around, slowly walking towards a window of the gift shop and leans against it, hands gentily placed on the windowsill and looking outside.  
“Ted..”  
Ted steps next to him cautiously and looks out.The sky begins to tear steadily, with miniscule artifacts of things that once were, seeping through.   
“Ted, do you think when we were in the booth, we caused a rip in time?” Bill turns slowly.  
Ted looks at him wide eyed, and pushes his soft hair out of his eyes.  
“You’re probably right,” Ted says in shock.  
“But why is the world only being destroyed now?” Bill thinks, pacing around.  
“I don’t know, Bill,” Ted shrugs, following him, “but what I do know is we have to find the booth fast, it could be in San Dimas, but it could of landed anywhere..”  
“What if our universe collided with another one, and totally merged?” Bill gasps, stopping.  
“Yeah,” Ted realizes, “I mean why would there be giant insects anyways?”  
With a loud shattering sound, the ground outside begins to split in two and the boys scream in terror and recoil. Bailey hops up, paws on the windowsill and barking aggressively at the chaos pursuing outside. Bill tries to pet Bailey to calm her down by scratching the scruffy fur behind her ears. It works to some degree. The enormous invertebrates they had once feared were being sucked inside the growing tear and spit back out as individual parts. It seems their previous theory of their evil robot doppelgangers causing the apocalypse was incorrect, and bigger things were at stake. Bill and Ted wouldn’t just die, they wouldn’t exist, along with the afterlife. They would be gone forever, like a film left out in the harsh sunlight. They have two simple choices, live or die.  
“Let’s get back to San Dimas!” Bill shouts over the blaring ambient sound of the universe being torn apart.  
Ted nods, and they grab their clothes, Bailey, and some stuff from the gift shop and bail. They bolt out of the gift shop as the sky around them disintegrates. The ground slowly peels away to reveal black nothingness. Non existence. At full speed, they jump over any incoming tears or holes in the ground. The giant insects flee from the impending doom, and Ted gets an idea.


	6. Life or Death.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ted figures out a way that will get them back to the Phone Booth, that involves some radical sky diving.

They race into the deserted parking lot, where a dragonfly swoops towards the ground ungracefully. Bill and Ted nod at each other, and Ted grabs Bailey (to some degree since she’s heavy) and they hop on the giant tail, almost falling. The dragonfly soars through the soft white clouds, while the three get comfortable, and relax. The strong breeze flows through their hair, and Bill grips onto his hat in fear of losing it. They glide over a group of frightened insects, and the destruction behind them gets harder and harder to see.  
“Okay, so when we fly over San Dimas, we’ll jump and land on some other bug, dude,” Ted shouts amongst the loud noise of the buzzing wings next to them, gesturing to further prove his point.”  
“Sounds like a resplendent idea, Ted,” Bill shouts back.  
They air guitar, and adjust their positions to prepare for takeoff. Bailey holds on tight with her claws, terrified.  
“It’s alright, Bailey. You’re travelling via dragonfly with the greatest of ease!” Bill cheers, looking at the dog stretched out behind them.  
“It is most outstanding!” Ted chimes in, giving a thumbs up.  
They stare at the land beneath them and wait for the cue.  
“Any minute now..” Ted mutters.  
The hard sound of blaring wind begins to fade in the background as the fear rushes to them. It was now or never. A large fly swoops under them, preparing to land  
“Jump!” Bill shouts.  
“Whoaaaaa, excellent!” They both shout out, air guitaring mid air. Going into a diving position, they plummet towards the soaring insect. With perfect timing, they land on the fly, and Bailey manages to safely as well.  
Bill leaps off the colossal insect and Ted follows, holding Bailey. They slice through the air. The insect loses its balance and lands onto the ground safely. They tumble off the large fly and retreat the opposite way of the crumbling universe.  
“Bill, do you remember where the booth landed?” Ted shouts to him.  
“Honestly, dude, I am most uncertain of the whereabouts of it,” Bill shrugs, also shouting.  
“Bogus, I’m most unsure too,” Ted sighs.  
“Dude, where were we trying to go?” Bill starts to think it out.  
“I believe it was something about school, right?” Ted replies.  
“Possibly, Ted,” Bill shouts back.  
The earth begins to shatter around them, leaving them standing on a small floating island of what once was dirt, and a lean passage to the terrain that hasn’t been destroyed yet. Amongst the chaos, far ahead of them, the flickering of blue light and smoke begins to become visible as some of the dust settles.  
“Is that..?  
“Ted, it must be!”  
“I don’t understand how we haven't seen that before,” Ted facepalms.  
Amidst the outskirts of San Dimas, the phone booth lay in seemingly dissoray, continuing to spark and jitter due to malfunction. If they kept at their current pace, they would certainly fall into the void of nothingness. With realization of this, they speed up, practically speeding around the shredded landscape in pursuit of the phone booth. But when they got back to the regular world, what would they do?  
“Ted, we don’t have much time left,” Bill shouts to him.  
After painful sprinting, they finally reach the booth.  
SLAM!  
“Stop.”


	7. The Gatekeeper.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The keeper of time tells the two the price they must pay to get back to their regular world is to hand over Bailey. Will they make the sacrifice of losing her?

A large creature lands down in front of them, and the destruction of the world around them freezes. Bill and Ted freeze and stare at the ominous being, with a large spider’s body, but with the head and limbs of a man. It’s pale, lifeless torso sways under the support of the arachnid legs. It’s eyes are soulless and black, while lacking a nose and mouth. It waves its long, black fingernails around gracefully as if it was using an incantation.  
“Who are you?” Bill asks, staring up at the giant beast, slightly cowering at the sight of it.  
“I,” The grand creature’s deep voice echoes, waving its hands, “am the Gatekeeper. I spin the webs of time.”  
“C-can you tell us what’s going on?” Ted shudders.  
“You’ve caused a fracture in time with the usage of a damaged time travel device, and you have entered my personal universe, what I like to call the ant farm,” the Gatekeeper says directly with no tone.  
“We’re sorry dude, we-“  
Bill is immediately cut off.  
“You’ve managed to merge universes that should of never been able to collide, including your regular world,”   
The white sky suddenly becomes a large hologram of the current parallel universe without them, making Bill and Ted ‘Whoa’ appropriately.  
“While I was tending to other universes, you two managed to utterly destroy one,” he sighs.  
“We just wanna go home, spider dude,” Ted complies, “we never intended on totally unravelling the fabric of the universe,”  
“That was good,” Bill whispers to Ted, subtly leaning over.  
They grin at each other, and are interrupted by Bailey barking at The Gatekeeper.  
“Sit.” It’s voice booms, causing Bailey to immediately sit and whimper.  
“I’ve got a way to bring you two back to your home universe,” The Gatekeeper nods.  
“Dude, all three you mean,” Bill laughs.  
“Oh, I suppose it’s important to mention that dog does not belong to your universe, in fact, it belongs to an adjacent one from yours.”  
“So are you saying?”  
“She must serve her life in the adjacent universe, where her family and offspring are.”  
Ted jerks angrily, tears forming in his eyes, and points at the Gate Keeper.   
“You can’t do this, she loves us!”  
“You are the one stealing her from her original plain of existence, you two mortals, built on emotion alone are the selfish ones.”  
“She doesn’t deserve to live in some outrageous other multiverse, dude. We’re willing to fight for her!” Bill yells at the menacing beast.  
The gatekeeper lays out his palms and darkness seeps into the white abyss around them.Two Symbols carve themselves into them, with the deep black blood seeping out and floating weightlessly. His right hand has the letter ‘B’, while the left has the letter ‘T’.  
“If you are so willing to pity this animal as much as you do and be willing to take on a timelord to save its life, you must sacrifice one of yourselves. You may converse amongst yourselves to determine which-”  
A fiery kick of confidence pursues and Ted’s converse slams into the leg of the gatekeeper, making Ted recoil in pain and shock.  
“How dare you affront the gatekeeper of the vast multiverses! You shall pay for what you’ve done!” The gatekeeper roars, slamming his insect legs into the already decrepit ground below their feet.   
“Calm down dude, what’s with the total power trip?” Bill laughs with Ted.  
The once blackened eyes of the timelord lit up with a hot pink hue, with two human eyes poking out and looking in different directions. It slams its mighty palms onto the ground in front of them and begins performing an ancient incantation in a totally atypical language.  
“.evol fo emag eht yalp ydobyrevE .emag eht yalP  
,evol ni llaf sI ,od ot evah uoy lla ysae os s'tI .selur eht wonk uoy nehw ysae os s'tI .ediced traeh ruoy tel dna daeh yraew ruoy tseR .edisni pets em tel dna dnim ruoy pu nepO” The gatekeeper chants eerily, its voice echoing throughout the abyss.  
The walls of nothingness begin to close in on them quickly. Oddly enough, they were going to suffocate in air, much like a fish out of water. Bailey cowers behind the two, whimpering.  
The booth sits disfigured behind the timelord, sparking occasionally.  
“Bill, what are we gonna do? We don’t got any time!” Ted freaks out.  
“Dude, we have to think of something,” Bill demands.  
Ted looks up at the gatekeeper’s eyes, which are still glowing hot pink.   
“Look, the eyes. That’s where his power comes from,” Ted points.  
“Let’s go then,” Bill nods.  
The two hastily attempt to climb up the spider legs as the gatekeeper says his chant and crawls on the small space. Bill and Ted stumble, resorting to using eachother for support just to get to the next joint on the bony legs of the timelord. With a violent shake, Ted flies off, screaming. Bill sees and grabs Ted at the last second before he plummets to his untimely death, pulling him back onto the leg. Bailey angrily barks to scare the gatekepper on purpose. They unexpectedly reach the pale, dry neck of the creature and manage to crawl on each eye, and nod at eachother, then nod at Bailey.  
“Station!” They grin at eachother, preparing their fists to punch it straight through the eyes.  
With a loud screech, the gatekeeper flails around, and winds up its hands to slam itself with its bleeding palms straight in the eyes. As the hands come slamming down, Bill and Ted reluctantly punch the eyes of the gatekeeper and puncture them. It goes limp, dropping its limbs. The weight of the monster makes surface underneath them begin to crumble.   
“I can’t believe that worked!” Ted says in shock.  
The surface shatters magnificently and they begin to free fall and shriek into the endless oblivion. The booth plummets too. Bailey tries to doggy paddle in air, and Bill and Ted scramble to catch her. The extra weight sends them sailing into the booth.  
“Dude, ring it up!” Ted shrieks.  
“Hold on tight, dude!” Bill punches some numbers while free falling, more focused than a surgeon performing delicate open heart surgery. A flash of blue and gold flight encompasses them, and they close their eyes. Everything goes quiet.  
SLAM!


	8. The Outrageous Conclusion.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After using the defective phone booth, is everything back to normal for Bill and Ted?

The tranquil sound of birdsong fills the air, and the clatter of footsteps. Bill and Ted slowly open their eyes, getting up. Bailey hops out of the booth, with the door facing upwards. Bill and Ted are in a weird position where they’re tangled around eachother, uncomfortably squished inside. They look at eachother for a second, and their eyes widen in realization. They crawl of the booth as quickly as they can, and manage to trip onto the finely trimmed blades of wet grass underneath them. Never before had they been so glad to be on the curb of a Circle K, with people strewn about, and cars driving down the road. The booth makes one big final spark, and the lights completely shut off. The flashing keys of the phone also go dead. Bill and Ted slowly get up and look around.  
“Did we?”  
“Yes we did, Ted.” Bill nods.  
They look at eachother in awe and air guitar. They stroll inside the Circle K and buy themselves two ice cold refreshing slushies. It doesn’t occur to them that anybody had ever noticed they left. The presence of two wild metalheads being missing would certainly not go unnoticed in this Circle K. Sipping the sweet and tangy flavor of their chilling beverages. Bailey lays next to them and licks up the remains of a strawberry slushie spilt on the pavement. After a long, silent 5 minutes of taking it what they once called home, Ted looks at Bill and sighs,

“Dude, uhh. We’ve spent so much time having our most outrageous expedition, that we never considered what we would do when we got back. I mean, I am totally indeterminate on what will come next. Are things ever going to be the same?”

Bill considers it for a minute and takes a long sip of his orange flavored drink.  
“Ted, I don’t think what has happened will traumatize us forever, but it will be an experience we shall never forget, and carry with us indefinitely for the rest of our lives. But for now, I think we’re gonna be alright,” Bill nods, then takes a quick sip of his drink.

“Thanks Bill, you really know what to say to make a dude feel better,” Ted grins.  
They finish their drinks and manage to throw them at the perfect angle so they land in the trash can. Things were going to be hard getting used to again, like more people than just the two of them, and everything costing money. But if Bill and Ted could survive the apocalypse, and defeat the ruler of time itself, they could achieve anything. They see their van parked just down the street and run over to it, swing open the doors, and practically leap inside. Bailey decides to occupy the back. They drive all the way home headbanging to Van Halen on the CD’s they had stolen.  
“Bill, what’s gonna happen to time if the gatekeeper is dead?” Ted asks.  
“I don’t know Ted, but for one thing’s sure. That guy shouldn’t of messed with the Wyld Stallyns,” Bill says proudly.  
They both proceed to passionately headbang to the most excellent music ever conceived, what God had given to us. Rock and Roll.  
As soon as they park correctly enough in the driveway, they jump out of the car with Bailey and run up the stairs of the apartment complex. They excitedly knock on the door of their apartment, awaiting their girlfriends. Bailey sniffs around suspiciously. The locks on the door begin to click open and Bill and Ted await with big grins on their faces, along with the things they had brought back from their misadventures. They were about to see the ladies they had missed so dearly on their outrageously complicated expedition, and finally ease back into living in San Dimas in the current day, a dream they had since day one. The door creaks open slowly and they see two grown men who look oddly similar to the princesses greet them.  
“Welcome back darling!” They both say, putting their arms around their boyfriends.  
Bill and Ted look at eachother in complete shock and terror, jaws dropped and eyes wide.  
“No Way!”  
The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story! I hope you enjoyed it and make sure to be excellent to eachother and party on, dudes!


End file.
